Oh, hi there. Welcome to the first installment of “This Day In Wallaby History”. This will be a weekly feature, meant to educate the world on what really happened on historic occasions. Remember, humans write the history books… and they think rabbits are cute, so why trust them? At the Wallablog, you can get the real scoop on world history.

Let’s go back to the days of the Rooman Empire and meet our great ancestor Bratabus. Now Bratabus was plagued with the problems most emperors have faced: insurrection, complaints about his completely reasonable taxes (he needed to buy gel for grooming his ears and his tail, after all), threats of exile, fear that his new fashions wouldn’t be acceptable, and RABBITS. Yes, rabbits have been the cause of most of the problems rulers have endured. In the days of the Roomans, the people had a saying: “Never trust a cook with a cottontail”. Food poisoning wasn’t always due to the lead plates, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, Bratabus heard rumors that the rabbits were planning to ruin the aqueducts by burrowing in through the sides and letting all the water run out. It would be a siege against Rome! The rabbits were angry about being cut out of Rome’s cash crop, carrots. Who in their right mind would put a rabbit in the carrot-farming business? Not Bratabus.

Bratabus knew he had to get rid of the rabbits, but it was a problem. He couldn’t send them out by wagon – they were far too crazy to be contained in a box. If only there were some way to fling them over the walls of Rome…

And so the bunnypult was born. Bratabus lured the rabbits to the imperial garden with a lettuce feast and had his top general, Brutes, toss a net down on top of them. They kicked and fought, but Brutes tied them up and sat them in the bunnypult. It was big enough that they could launch five rabbits at a time.

Bratabus the Rooman Emporer creates the bunnypult!

Far into the evening, Bratabus watched as the wicked rabbit conspirators were thrown out of the city. He was a stern one, that Bratabus, but that was what the city needed… a leader… someone who wasn’t afraid to take on the rabbits.

Unfortunately, the rest of the world has forgotten about Bratabus. Even more unfortunately, Bratabus and Brutes didn’t get all the rabbits out of Rome. There were a few still hiding out; this would have drastic consequences.

Check back next week to find out the TRUTH about how Rome fell.

 Of course, I apologize to all dose people dat have missed da tail.

 Now dat all da rabbit propaganda has finally disappeared, I can come back out without fear, and show DA WORLD how wonderful I really am!

Prepare to be amazed people.

W.Allaby

Da big night.

Easter Night.

Expect da children to wake up in da night from horrible nighthares.

Expect robberies.

No doubt many rabbits have infiltrated good homes on dis sad day under da guise of cuteness. Don’t trust um as far as you can trow um. (You might want to trow a few rabbits just to see how far dat is.)

Da night is still young. Da danger is not yet passed.

I would lock up really good tonight, people.

W. Allaby

Da most horrible day of da year.

Easter.

 Don’t let the cuteness and fluff surrounding da holiday fool you. Da rabbits bent on world domination and will stop at nothing less!

Don’t give rabbits a pawhold in your house dis season. Lock your doors.

And whatever you do don’t give your children rabbits for Easter.

W.Allaby

Funny that it’s on at 2:30 a.m.,  an hour when most of America is ASLEEP! That’s what I call suspicious. Don’t tell me da rabbits didn’t have a paw in dis!

I hope I don’t have bad dreams.

W. Allaby

W-Files

No. xj5582m

A.K.A. - TOE Classified

March da 13th, 2008

Recently, da security of da home was breached by one of da enemy.

Even though da famly KNEW about da evilness of da rabbits, and even though I TOLD them it would be too dangerous, Oh NO, he was CUTE! We had to help da little bunny!

So I did da only ting that was safe. I put da rabbit in a glass vase with a rubber stopper. (Everyone knows if you put a rabbit in a glass vase with a rubber stopper it loses its power, of course.)

Toe, in his little glass jar

I tried to esplain about da dog and da rabbit, but oh NO, da dog must have been biting da rabbit.  Even so, I could not shake da image from my mind. Da image of that thing of evil dragging the dog around the yard. By the tongue.

“I’ll never forget da first time I saw TOE. Dragging da dog around da yard. By da tongue!”

Obviously da rabbit had da famly under it’s spell of cuteness for da time being.

I put da rabbit in observation, under some hot lights. I guess it was probably pretty toasty in there, ha ha. Da rabbit had barely been under observation for a couple of minutes before da famly decided it needed a name. Da usual cute and misleading names were tossed around. Mopsy. Georgie. Peter.

But I would not concede to dis. Late dat night I called a emergency security meeting over da rabbit.

“Famly, we have captured one of da enemy. We will keep it, observe its ways and learn from it. And we will name it – TOE. Which stands for -Thing Of Evil!!!”

Some of da famly accepted da name, but others preferred delusion.

Every day I had to see Toe. Sitting in his small glass jar watching me at my desk. I could hardly sleep at night knowing he was out dere. How was I supposed to work while he was watching me?

Da older roo took him under her wing and tried to make him good. Da young roos visited him every day and said sweet tings to him. Da famly cheered while he hopped around his cardboard box and nibbled at a pellet.

But dat pellet, they say, is what did him in. It was too much, they say, for the little rabbit.

But I have my wonderings.

Perhaps his little heart was too cold to accept da kindness.

Perhaps he didn’t want to live if he couldn’t carry out his evil plans.

Or perhaps, he could not stand it in the shining beauty of the wallaby, and he died of sadness, knowing he could never measure up, and dat da sins of his bunny famly would forever haunt him.

Either way, security is back up. We won’t let dis happen again.

Case Closed.

W. Allaby

Perhaps you’ll remember this little ditty:

 Here comes Peter Cottontail,

Hopping down da Wallaby Trail,

Guess we’ll have to SHOOT da little bunny!

(da da da, dum!)

Get da salt and pepper ready!

Rabbit stew, about Five Thirty!

Hippity Hoppity we just saved da day!

(da da da, dum!)

Yeah, that was a great one. Then da rabbits got hold of it and added some stupid words about Easter and stuff and now everyone’s forgotten what it REALLY said! Except for ME of course. I wrote it.

 And here’s another song. You probably only know da stolen version. This is what it sounded like before it was effectively stripped from da air waves and rewritten by da rabbits!

It’s da most horrible time, of da YEAR!

Cause da bunnies stole Easter and I still remember and I WON’T FORGET!!!

It’s da most, HORRIBLE time of the year!

There’ll be cuteness deception,

(and rabbit receptions)

and laughing behind Wally’s back!

There’ll be plots to destroy him

mirror traps laid out for him,

when rabbits are on the attack!

It’s da most HORRIBLE time,

It’s da most WRETCHED of times!

It’s da most HORRIBLE TIME . . .

OF DA YEAR!!!!!!

DAT is how da songs really went. I suggest you send this to all your friends and loved ones and get da truth out! Da tail is in great danger at this time of year.

W. Allaby

For instance… RABBITS ARE EVIL!

Wallabies are GREAT!

I mean the most horrible time of the year is coming up in about a week! The rabbits think they have this holiday nailed down! Au CONTRARY me says! And so does this guy!

http://www.wickedlocal.com/beverly/news/lifestyle/columnists/x1870703113

But don’t look for that kind of commentary just everyday in the LEFT EAR MEDIA!
Any human could see how great we are if the news would just get out!

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